


Cycle Logical

by baroque_mongoose



Category: Girl Genius
Genre: Bicycles, Gen, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-23
Updated: 2015-02-23
Packaged: 2018-03-14 20:08:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3423890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baroque_mongoose/pseuds/baroque_mongoose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three Jägers.  Two wheels.  One horse thief.  And one increasingly alarmed Englishman.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cycle Logical

When Agatha visits Gil, the Jägers always come and see me, and this particular visit was no exception. This time, however, they had something special to show me.

“Look vot ve got!” said Dimo proudly. “De Mistress built it yust for us.”

“Iz goot, ja?” said Maxim, beaming.

It was undoubtedly impressive. It was essentially a three-seater tandem, but, since this was one of Agatha's creations, it did not stop at the basics. For a start, there was a great deal more wood and brass about it than one would normally expect of a bicycle. Several joints in the frame provided some degree of articulation in order to help with cornering, and there were various attachments folded away into hinged cases, which made it impossible to guess at their purpose. At the back, there was a trailer with two large wheels; this contained a narrow upright compartment in one corner which currently held Oggie's triple halberd and Maxim's sword, which might otherwise be inclined to get in the way while they were cycling.

“It's very good,” I agreed. “I see it has some added extras. What do they do?”

“Ve dun know yet, Mister Vooster,” replied Oggie. “Ve not used most of dem yet.”

“De Mistress did tell us,” said Dimo. “Hyu forgotten already, hyu eediot?”

“Vell, not exactly, Dimo,” replied Oggie, “but hy can't remember vhich iz vhich.”

“Iz because a lot of dem iz automatic,” Maxim explained. “Ve dun vork dem ourselves. Dey yust come on vhen ve need dem. Like de lights. Ve dun haff to vorry about de lights. Dey come on vhen it gets dark.”

“Und de vater vings,” Dimo added. “Iz amphibious. Und hyu should see vot else it can do.”

“Gosh,” I said.

“Ve giff hyu a ride if hyu like,” said Maxim brightly. “Iz a seat in der trailer.”

“Where?” I asked.

“It folds out,” Dimo explained. “Like dis.” He demonstrated.

“Thank you, chaps,” I said. I climbed into the trailer, with a little help from Dimo. It rocked alarmingly.

“Hyu be fine vhen ve movink,” said Dimo. “No vorries.”

It was a hefty, substantial tandem, especially when you added the trailer. It reminded me of many of the bicycles one sees around Cambridge or in the Netherlands; they are designed for the vehicular equivalent of ambling along on flat ground. It should have occurred to me that, whatever the design of the bicycle, one also had to take into account the design of its riders. Jägers are extremely strong, and that naturally includes their legs. When three of them start pedalling and get a good rhythm going, it does not take very long at all for the bicycle to pick up quite a turn of speed.

We were, therefore, bowling along at a fair pace when we overtook a young man who was sprinting along the road, his hat in one hand and a riding whip in the other. He was shouting at the top of his voice, but we passed him so quickly that Maxim, sitting in the middle, had to ask what he was saying.

“He was shouting 'stop thief',” I replied. “I would guess that someone has just stolen his horse.”

“Vell, dot von't do,” said Dimo. “Ve catch dem.”

We saw the horse up ahead, going at a canter. “Hey!” yelled Dimo. “Schtop!”

There was a man in a loud tweed jacket astride the horse. He took one look round at us, and sent the animal into a gallop. The Jägers put on an extra burst of speed; we were easily narrowing the gap. Seeing this, the man in the loud jacket swung the horse off the road and jumped it over the adjacent hedge into a field.

“That's no good,” I observed. “We'll never catch him now.”

“Ho, yez, ve vill,” said Dimo.

A pair of wings shot out from the sides, and the tandem rose into the air. “Aaargh,” I said, grabbing the back of Oggie's coat for support as the trailer dipped and dangled from the rear.

“Ho,” said Oggie. “Hey, Dimo. Mister Vooster got a problem back dere.”

It was Maxim who looked round. “Vell, get him on der bike, den, Oggie! He iz a British peer. Ve can't yust leave him denglink.”

“I'm not entirely sure what my title has to do with it,” I gasped. “I should hope you wouldn't want anyone to be left dangling.”

“Vell, no,” Maxim conceded, “but vot vould hyu Qveen tink?”

That, frankly, was anyone's guess. Oggie reached round, caught my arm, and swung me up onto the crossbar in front of him. It was precarious and uncomfortable, but it was a great deal better than swinging from the back of the Jäger's coat with my feet in occasional contact with the rear wall of the trailer. “Dere hyu go,” he said, cheerfully.

We were swooping down on the horse thief. He wheeled round in a sharp U-turn, which I thought showed some intelligence. Dimo banked the tandem so hard that the wing tip almost caught the top of a hedge. I instinctively gripped Maxim's shoulders.

“Iz hokay, Mister Vooster,” said Oggie. “Hy von't let hyu fall.”

“That's all very well, Oggie,” I replied, “but what if we _all_ fall?”

“Hy know vot hy iz doink,” Dimo called from the front. “Vell, anyvay, hy tink hy do.”

That was not entirely reassuring.

The thief, realising that he was not going to out-ride us, made a rapid decision. He slid out of the saddle and set off at a run across the fields; the horse, suddenly left to its own devices, cantered back towards the road, its reins trailing from the back of its neck, its saddle askew. “Hey, Dimo!” Maxim shouted. “Do ve chase der man or der horse? Hy reckon ve chase der horse und take it back to its owner.”

“No,” Dimo called back. “Ve go after der man. Vill be easy enough to find der horse again. It von't take cover.”

The tandem banked steeply again; the man was zigzagging and doubling, trying to shake us off. Dimo flew us in low, apparently aiming to hit him with the trailer, but he dived out of the way just in time.

“Hy vant my sword,” said Maxim.

“Hy get it,” Oggie replied. “Und my halberd. Here, Mister Vooster. Hyu haff my seat for a moment.”

“You're never going to climb into the trailer, Oggie?” I asked, startled.

“Ho, ja. It vill be fun,” said Oggie, with a massive toothy grin.

Not for the first time, I reflected that Jägers are inclined to have a rather strange concept of “fun”. I was, however, grateful for Oggie's seat, since I had been starting to go numb in some rather embarrassing places. He slid off it backwards and climbed down, holding the seat post for support. Once he was in the trailer, swinging wildly from side to side, he unstrapped the sword and halberd with one hand while gripping with the other, and passed the sword up to me.

“Here,” he said. “Giff dis to Maxim, vould hyu?”

I did. We flew low again, and, as we did so, Oggie leapt out of the trailer, brandishing his halberd. “Ve hunt!” he yelled.

The thief squawked with alarm, and tried to make a run for it; but he was already starting to tire, and, in any case, a human should not expect to outrun a Jäger. Within a few minutes, Oggie had knocked his legs out from under him with the pole of the halberd, and was sitting on his prone form. “Hy got heem,” he called up to us. “Now vot ve do?”

“Ve better tie him up in der trailer,” said Maxim.

“Ja, iz fair enough,” replied Dimo, “but vot ve tie him up vit?”

We landed, rather bumpily, trailer first. I dismounted, my head spinning a little, and did my best to consider the situation. “Vot if hy yust knock him out?” Oggie suggested.

“I don't think that will make things any easier,” I replied. “He'll just be a dead weight if you do that. At least if he's conscious, he can move around to keep his balance.”

The thief spluttered out a mouthful of dandelions. “You're not going to put me in that thing, are you?” he asked, apprehensively.

“Iz der only vay ve goink to get hyu to der police station,” Dimo replied.

“Ve could put him over der crossbar in front of me,” Maxim suggested. “Den ve vouldn't need to tie him. Hy could hold him in place.”

“Ja, but he vill get in der vay of de pedals vhen ve land,” replied Dimo. “Ve goink to haff to find zum vay to tie him to der veapons compartment in der trailer.”

“Has anyone checked to see if he's wearing a tie?” I asked.

“Goot idea!” Oggie exclaimed. He got up and rolled the man over onto his back. He was, indeed, wearing a pale blue four-in-hand with what appeared to be egg stains. Oggie removed it and held it up. “Dot ought to be long enough,” he observed.

Dimo picked him up bodily, put him into the trailer, pulled his arms back around the weapons compartment, and tied his hands firmly together. I examined the arrangement with some misgivings.

“We're going to have to take off again to get out of this field,” I pointed out. “The trailer dangles badly enough when there's no extra weight in the back. Is it going to be safe?”

“He should haff tot about dot before he stole der horse,” replied Maxim. I recalled that Maxim used to be a cavalry officer, and therefore had some strong feelings about horses.

“Well, yes,” I replied, privately doubting that there was any way the thief could have imagined justice catching up with him in the shape of three Jägers and a British Ambassador on a tandem with some extremely unusual capabilities. “But there's also the fact that the trailer could damage the rear wheel if it swings against it when it's loaded. We've got to find some way to stop it dangling in flight.”

“Hokay,” said Oggie. “Hy sit on my seat backvards und hang onto his jacket. Den he iz goink novhere.”

“Dot iz not a bad idea for hyu, Oggie,” Maxim observed.

“Hy get dem zumtimes,” replied Oggie brightly.

We returned to our places, except that this time I perched between Maxim and Dimo, since Oggie, as he was facing the other way, was not able to hold me in place if we banked steeply. Oggie had to lean over so far in order to hold the man's lapels that he was almost bent double. “I really hope this is going to work,” I said.

“Of course it vill vork,” replied Maxim, as we rose into the air. “Hyu know how schtrong Oggie iz. Vill not be a problem.”

“It's not Oggie's strength I'm worried about,” I said. “It's the...”

“Aaargh!” yelped the thief, as Oggie slid off his seat and landed in the trailer on top of him.

“...friction,” I finished, ruefully. The front of the tandem jerked upwards.

“Hey!” Dimo yelled.

“Iz all right,” Oggie called back. “Hy sort dis out.” He grabbed the back of the tandem, then got his feet over the back of the trailer and pulled forwards with his hands, holding onto various different parts of the bike until he had the trailer more or less horizontal. Unfortunately, this meant that his head was now roughly level with Maxim's pedals.

“Maxim,” I said, “you'd better be careful, or you'll kick Oggie.”

Maxim looked down. “Vell, hy be as careful as hy can, but hy not goink to be able to pedal vit his head dere,” he said.

“Vell, dun pedal till ve land, den,” said Oggie, reasonably.

“Dot leaves me doink all der pedallink, eediot,” said Dimo.

“I'm afraid it's probably that or the trailer falling again and the bike going out of control,” I said.

“Iz a pain,” Dimo grumbled. “Hy yust seen der horse, too.”

“Den ve go und get der horse,” said Maxim, “und ve tie dis guy across der saddle. Dot vay, it von't be so dangerous.”

The horse, however, was not quite so sure it wanted to be got; it clearly didn't trust the strange flying contraption, and I could hardly blame it for that. It saw us coming, whinnied, and wheeled away. Dimo banked sharply again. The torque was too much; Oggie's feet slipped, the trailer fell heavily, the thief screamed, the nose of the bike went up in the air again, the wings started to judder, and I closed my eyes and started praying. Oggie ended up hanging from Maxim's seat post, looking bemused.

“Ho,” he observed, as we wheeled so close to a large tree that his feet dragged through the foliage. “Dot vosn't supposed to heppen.”

The trailer went through the tree behind Oggie. Fortunately for the thief, it protected him from any real damage, but he did emerge covered in leaves and bits of twig, occasionally interrupting his screams in order to swear violently. I risked opening my eyes briefly.

“Dimo!” I shouted. “Bring us down. The wings aren't looking stable.”

“Iz not der only ting,” Dimo called back. “Hy tryink to bring us down safely.”

“Oh, God,” moaned the thief.

Oggie, meanwhile, was trying to climb back into his seat, but the tandem was rocking and juddering so much in the air that even he was having some difficulty. “Giff me a hand, Maxim,” he said.

“Hy can't,” Maxim replied. “Hy dun vant to drop der Earl. He iz not a Jäger. If he falls, he vill get hurt.”

“Vot der dumboozle iz hyu doink back dere?” Dimo demanded. “Hy can't steer!”

“Hy iz only tryink to get back on der bike, Dimo,” replied Oggie meekly.

“Ja, but hyu iz doink it from der side und it iz messink up everyting,” said Dimo. “If hyu iz not careful ve iz goink to... vhooooooa!”

We were heading straight for another tree. I did the only thing I could, in the circumstances, and leaned as far forward as I could, so that Dimo's broad back would protect my face from the onrushing branches. The Jägers would not be seriously hurt by the impact, but if I hit a large branch I could have cracked my skull. I am not entirely sure of the sequence of events over the next few seconds; suffice it to say that it ended with all four of us draped over various branches, with the tandem hanging over another branch by the trailer connection. The thief was lying on his back, supported by the weapons compartment and yet another branch, looking distinctly green about the gills.

“Hey, Earl,” said Maxim, who was the nearest Jäger. “Iz hyu hokay?”

“Nothing broken, thank you, Maxim,” I replied. “What about you three?”

“Iz some goot bugs in dis tree,” said Oggie happily. “Crunchy.”

I took that to mean Oggie was all right. So was Maxim, and so was Dimo, although the latter was not in the best of moods. “Ve neffer goink to ketch dot horse now,” he grumbled.

“Ve iz,” said Maxim. “Hy ken still see it. Iz over dere. See?”

“Ja,” replied Dimo, “but ve got to get out of der tree first.”

“Dot's easy,” said Maxim, surprised.

“Vould be if it vos yust us,” said Dimo, “but ve got to get der Earl out of der tree, und der bike, und dis eediot.” He jabbed a thumb in the direction of the horse thief.

“Vell,” said Maxim decisively, “hy goink to get der horse. Den hy come back und help hyu vit der eediot.”

He scrambled down out of the tree and hurried off towards the horse. “Oggie,” said Dimo, “schtop eatink bugs und get der Earl down. Hy goink to see vot hy can do about der bike.”

Oggie crawled through the branches towards me. “Hyu get on my shoulders, Mister Vooster,” he said, “und hy get hyu down.”

I did, and he did. Once we were at the bottom of the tree, Oggie climbed back up again to help Dimo; all I could really do was wait for Maxim to return with the horse. I was not at all sanguine about the tandem. Granted, it was solidly built, but it had taken quite a bashing. We would certainly not be able to get it in the air again, and it was doubtful whether we would be able to ride it on the ground.

“Hy reckon iz easier if ve get der eediot down first,” Dimo decided.

“But den zumvun got to schtay on der ground und look after him,” Oggie objected. “Und Mister Vooster not got a gun.”

“Vell, den, ve lend him Maxim's sword,” said Dimo. “Hy vould say hyu halberd, but hy tink iz too heavy for him.” He peered down through the leaves. “Hey, Earl, hyu mind keepink an eye on dis guy?”

“No problem, Dimo,” I replied, “but, yes, indeed, I should like to borrow Maxim's sword.”

Oggie came down the tree again, with the thief tucked under one arm and the sword between his teeth. “Hy tie his ankles dis time,” he said.

“Yes, good idea,” I replied. “I don't really want to have to sprint at my age.”

Once Oggie had done that, he scrambled back up the tree. The thief eyed me narrowly.

“Are you really an earl?” he demanded.

“I am,” I replied. “I'm Lord Heversham, the British Ambassador.”

“So, what the hell are you doing riding that dangerous contraption with a bunch of wild Jägers?”

“They're my friends,” I replied.

“Hmpf,” he said. “Takes all sorts.”

“Come to that,” I asked, “what did you think you were doing stealing a horse?”

“It's worth good money, that animal,” he replied.

“Yes, well, it's not yours,” I said.

Maxim returned, riding the animal in question. He slipped down and patted its side. “Iz a goot horse,” he observed. He looked up into the tree. “Hey! Hy iz beck. How iz hyu two doink?”

“Ketch!” called Dimo, by way of a reply. The trailer came sailing out of the tree, causing me to duck to one side. Maxim caught it expertly and set it on the ground. The tandem followed it; this was rather harder for even Maxim to catch, since it had such an awkward shape, but he managed it successfully and recoupled it to the trailer. The other two Jägers came down rapidly from the tree.

“Is the bike fit to ride?” I asked.

Dimo shook his head. “Dun look like it. Der back vheel iz dented. But iz not too damaged to push.”

“Der trailer iz fine,” said Maxim. “Ve can probably still put der prisoner in dere.” He looked at me. “Und hyu better ride der horse.”

Dimo picked up the thief and slung him over his shoulder, while Maxim and Oggie Jägerhandled the tandem and its trailer over the rough ground, and I led the horse back to the road. Once we were all back on a reasonably hard surface, the Jägers put the thief back in the trailer and tied him as before, I mounted the horse, and we set off back towards the town. There was no sign at all of the horse's owner, who had, presumably, given up on us and gone to fetch the local constable. I was somewhat relieved about that, as otherwise the Jägers would have had to slow down considerably to allow me to keep up, and it would have taken us a very long time to get back. Even when pushing a tandem, they can run fast.

We turned both the thief and the horse in at the police station, where a somewhat bemused administrator took charge of them. The Jägers then walked back to the Embassy with me, and Maxim brushed the bits of leaf and twig out of my clothes.

“Ve dun vant hyu vife askink a lot of awkvard qvestions like vot vos hyu doink in a tree,” he observed.

I smiled. “Maxim, I think Lucilla knows you three pretty well by now. I'm sure she won't be at all surprised that I ended up in a tree. It's almost par for the course, really.”

“Iz not like ve meant to get hyu into a tree, Mister Vooster,” said Oggie.

“Of course not, Oggie,” I replied. “But... well, things do tend to get a little, shall we say, unpredictable around you three.”

Dimo grinned broadly. “Iz vhy hyu like us,” he said.

I laughed.

“I hate to admit this, Dimo,” I replied, “but I think you're very probably right.”


End file.
